Carving out family time

As the youngest of six children with a six-year age gap between me and my brother, I was bereft when he headed off to college. How would I survive the next six years without any siblings at home? I eventually got used to being a short-term only child, but I still found myself looking forward to the holidays, long weekends and summer vacations that would bring my brothers and sisters home, and we’d all be together as a family.

Fortunately, what helped me survive this “only-child” period was living next door to the O’Connell family, which also had six children, including several around my age. So even though I was home alone during my middle school and high school years, I still had plenty of company.

The O’Connells weren’t just your average neighbors – they became my second family. We shared a long, narrow driveway that became the location for endless games of kick ball and softball (and broken windows), plus biking, jump rope and hop scotch. We also had access to two garages that were transformed into classrooms, club houses, dress-up rooms and hideouts. We could walk into each other’s houses without knocking, and our parents supported each other with meals, babysitting, carpools, and cups of flour.

Our houses were so close together that from my bedroom window I could see into the O’Connell’s kitchen, and hear the sounds of laughter (and sisters fighting) through their windows. Those windows also served as portals for the creative message centers we’d create. Suspended above the driveway and threaded through an eye screw attached to a window at each house would be a continuous loop of clothesline. On it we’d attach and send “secret” messages. (Remarkably, none of our parents were ever worried about us falling out onto the driveway.)

The O’Connells treasured family time, and I was sometimes invited to join in the fun. We’d play board games, have tea and listen to jazz, or pile into their station wagon to go to a drive-in movie. Even as teenagers, I don’t remember any of the O’Connell kids complaining about family time – everyone seemed to look forward to it. The only family event that I couldn’t attend was the Sunday “Daddy Dinner Night.” On these weekly occasions, Mr. O’Connell was in charge of making the big meal.

During our driveway games, I’d learn about the menu, including his famous desserts. But once the dinner bell rang, a mass exodus of O’Connell kids ensued and I’d be left alone on the driveway with my mouth watering wishing I could be with them.

Today, with a son who is home from college on winter break, I’m soaking in every moment of our own family being together. Surprisingly, I’m not even fazed by his messy bedroom; crazy 2 a.m. to 1 p.m. sleep schedule; or endless quest for food. I know he’ll be heading back to school in just a few weeks, so I want to enjoy the time he’s home with us. Our family dinner table is once again set for five, and that feels great.

I often think about how I wish we had created more family-time traditions like the O’Connells. For many years we were eating together every night, but as the kids got older and their activities and school demands took over, trying to coordinate family dinners became an enormous challenge.

And while I can never replicate all the years the O’Connells dedicated to establishing their wonderful family rituals, I can try to carve out some quality family time with our own kids while they’re still home.

I’m not fooled into believing it’ll be easy, especially with teenagers who prefer friend time over family time. But we’ve already had one fun family night out since my son has been home, so I’m encouraged. I just need to make sure to give our kids advanced notice, and engage them in the planning. We certainly can’t have Mom digging in her heels at 4 p.m. saying, “Okay guys, tonight is family night.” I tried that once. It didn’t work.

Looking into the future, I know it will only get more difficult to pull everyone together as a family. But right now, memories of my childhood are motivating me to make it a priority. While the O’Connell kids and I have long moved away from the old neighborhood, our parents, childhood homes, and beloved driveway are still there serving as wonderful reminders about how incredibly fortunate I was to have grown up with a double dose of family time.