Confidence

I've been thinking a lot lately about confidence: where it comes from, how to gain it, how and why it disappears.

I have a classmate who I've known since kindergarten. All through school, I never envied her intellect, looks, artistic ability or overall popularity (she really had it all). But I did envy her self-confidence.

I'll never forget deciding to run against her in elementary school for some position, and the teacher asked us both to stand up in front of the class and explain why we were the best candidate. She got up, and was incredibly articulate with her pitch. Me? I mumbled, couldn't put three sentences together, and was totally embarrassed. I knew I'd do a great job in the elected position, so why couldn't I let others see the faith I had in myself?

I grew up in a wonderful, supportive family with parents who loved me. But I also had five older brothers and sisters who got a kick out of teasing me. Maybe I just didn't have a thick enough skin to deal with it.

Thankfully going to college and having a career were the ways I developed confidence in myself. I know my talents and strengths, and my career choices allowed me to maximize them. I also had professors and bosses who were incredible mentors -- people who helped me grow and succeed. What a great feeling to be finally comfortable in your own skin.

Still, when I was helping a newly appointed CEO prep for her Chamber speech to 100+ high-level business women, I thought it would be a great idea to poll other successful women in our company to see what challenges they experienced in their career. It shocked me to learn that lack of confidence was the No. 1 challenge they had to overcome. Not discrimination by men, not competition with other women, not work-family challenges, but self confidence. It stunned me -- especially in this day and age.

With three kids of my own, I try to be sensitive to how I talk to them. I try to boost them up without overflating their accomplishments, which can be tricky. How much praise is too much? I see confidence and resiliency are equally important (and resiliency is a whole other topic).

I especially want my 8-year-old daughter to have confidence in herself and her abilities. She has absolutely no problem getting up in front of an audience to belt out a song at her recital, but ask her to tell a boy who is pinching her in the arm to knock it off, and she won't do it. Why is it difficult for many females to stand up for themselves -- even as adults? I want my daughter to be strong. I want her to know she can do anything she sets her mind to. I want her to know I have faith in her talents and abilities -- of which she has many.

While this may seem strange, if I spot an obituary in the newspaper of a woman who had an amazing life and overcame all odds to be successful, I talk about that woman with her. I have read stories of some amazing women which have surely inspired me.

As I wind down this post, here's what I also realized: that there's a pretty good chance my old classmate wasn't confident of herself 100% of the time. My guess is that like any human being she had self-doubts. What's great about being 40-something is having the ability to have this perspective. Age does have its advantages!