Are my kids on the computer too much? Are they reading enough? Are their friends a good influence? Are they happy? Will they get (or recover) from Swine Flu? Worrying and being in your 40s -- it seems like the two go hand in hand. And it's not just for parents. In our age bracket, we're also worried about neighbors and friends battling cancer, aging parents, and making the time to take care of ourselves, which always seems to fall at the bottom of the list.
I may be venturing out on a limb here, but it doesn't seem like men worry nearly as much as women. Or maybe they do, but they just keep all their worries inside. My husband and I talk a lot about the kids and the usual worries parents have, but he rarely talks about his personal worries. Me on the other hand? I know I drive him nuts with my excessive worrying about the kids' health, their friendships, how I'm going to get everything done in a day, my aging parents...an on, and on, and on.
Having kids definitely makes you treasure their childhood and the early years when they can truly be carefree -- without worries. I love watching preschoolers skipping off to school excited to seize the day. They look at every moment as an adventure, and they're in awe at the littlest things in life. Wouldn't it be great to get that feeling back as an adult?
I think we have to try by carving out time for ourselves to do things that take our minds off life. I went canoeing on the Charles with the Trustees of the Reservations a couple of weeks ago and it was incredibly therapeutic to take a 2-hour break from my to-do list to do something I'd never done before. At first it felt a little strange to go by myself, and as I was driving to the river launch, I had second thoughts. But I didn't turn back, and in the end it was one of the most memorable experiences in my life. I felt like a little kid in awe at seeing the fall foliage along the river banks, or the Great Blue Heron overhead, or the gorgeous pheasant that popped out of the marsh. At that moment I had absolutely no worries in the world, and it was a phenomenal feeling.
Now I just need to figure out how to keep that feeling alive on a regular basis. Any suggestions for staying off the worry wagon?
Thursday, November 5, 2009
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Confidence
I've been thinking a lot lately about confidence: where it comes from, how to gain it, how and why it disappears.
I have a classmate who I've known since kindergarten. All through school, I never envied her intellect, looks, artistic ability or overall popularity (she really had it all). But I did envy her self-confidence.
I'll never forget deciding to run against her in elementary school for some position, and the teacher asked us both to stand up in front of the class and explain why we were the best candidate. She got up, and was incredibly articulate with her pitch. Me? I mumbled, couldn't put three sentences together, and was totally embarrassed. I knew I'd do a great job in the elected position, so why couldn't I let others see the faith I had in myself?
I grew up in a wonderful, supportive family with parents who loved me. But I also had five older brothers and sisters who got a kick out of teasing me. Maybe I just didn't have a thick enough skin to deal with it.
Thankfully going to college and having a career were the ways I developed confidence in myself. I know my talents and strengths, and my career choices allowed me to maximize them. I also had professors and bosses who were incredible mentors -- people who helped me grow and succeed. What a great feeling to be finally comfortable in your own skin.
Still, when I was helping a newly appointed CEO prep for her Chamber speech to 100+ high-level business women, I thought it would be a great idea to poll other successful women in our company to see what challenges they experienced in their career. It shocked me to learn that lack of confidence was the No. 1 challenge they had to overcome. Not discrimination by men, not competition with other women, not work-family challenges, but self confidence. It stunned me -- especially in this day and age.
With three kids of my own, I try to be sensitive to how I talk to them. I try to boost them up without overflating their accomplishments, which can be tricky. How much praise is too much? I see confidence and resiliency are equally important (and resiliency is a whole other topic).
I especially want my 8-year-old daughter to have confidence in herself and her abilities. She has absolutely no problem getting up in front of an audience to belt out a song at her recital, but ask her to tell a boy who is pinching her in the arm to knock it off, and she won't do it. Why is it difficult for many females to stand up for themselves -- even as adults? I want my daughter to be strong. I want her to know she can do anything she sets her mind to. I want her to know I have faith in her talents and abilities -- of which she has many.
While this may seem strange, if I spot an obituary in the newspaper of a woman who had an amazing life and overcame all odds to be successful, I talk about that woman with her. I have read stories of some amazing women which have surely inspired me.
As I wind down this post, here's what I also realized: that there's a pretty good chance my old classmate wasn't confident of herself 100% of the time. My guess is that like any human being she had self-doubts. What's great about being 40-something is having the ability to have this perspective. Age does have its advantages!
I have a classmate who I've known since kindergarten. All through school, I never envied her intellect, looks, artistic ability or overall popularity (she really had it all). But I did envy her self-confidence.
I'll never forget deciding to run against her in elementary school for some position, and the teacher asked us both to stand up in front of the class and explain why we were the best candidate. She got up, and was incredibly articulate with her pitch. Me? I mumbled, couldn't put three sentences together, and was totally embarrassed. I knew I'd do a great job in the elected position, so why couldn't I let others see the faith I had in myself?
I grew up in a wonderful, supportive family with parents who loved me. But I also had five older brothers and sisters who got a kick out of teasing me. Maybe I just didn't have a thick enough skin to deal with it.
Thankfully going to college and having a career were the ways I developed confidence in myself. I know my talents and strengths, and my career choices allowed me to maximize them. I also had professors and bosses who were incredible mentors -- people who helped me grow and succeed. What a great feeling to be finally comfortable in your own skin.
Still, when I was helping a newly appointed CEO prep for her Chamber speech to 100+ high-level business women, I thought it would be a great idea to poll other successful women in our company to see what challenges they experienced in their career. It shocked me to learn that lack of confidence was the No. 1 challenge they had to overcome. Not discrimination by men, not competition with other women, not work-family challenges, but self confidence. It stunned me -- especially in this day and age.
With three kids of my own, I try to be sensitive to how I talk to them. I try to boost them up without overflating their accomplishments, which can be tricky. How much praise is too much? I see confidence and resiliency are equally important (and resiliency is a whole other topic).
I especially want my 8-year-old daughter to have confidence in herself and her abilities. She has absolutely no problem getting up in front of an audience to belt out a song at her recital, but ask her to tell a boy who is pinching her in the arm to knock it off, and she won't do it. Why is it difficult for many females to stand up for themselves -- even as adults? I want my daughter to be strong. I want her to know she can do anything she sets her mind to. I want her to know I have faith in her talents and abilities -- of which she has many.
While this may seem strange, if I spot an obituary in the newspaper of a woman who had an amazing life and overcame all odds to be successful, I talk about that woman with her. I have read stories of some amazing women which have surely inspired me.
As I wind down this post, here's what I also realized: that there's a pretty good chance my old classmate wasn't confident of herself 100% of the time. My guess is that like any human being she had self-doubts. What's great about being 40-something is having the ability to have this perspective. Age does have its advantages!
Tuesday, November 3, 2009
It all started with the high school reunion...
Over the last few weeks, I've been in contact with high school classmates to help plan our 30th reunion down in New Jersey. None of these co-organizers were close friends, and we hung out with different groups in school, so I was a bit reluctant to get involved. Would they accept me? How would they feel about me getting involved? Would I fit in? Then it dawned on me that at age 47 I was having some of the exact same feelings I had in high school.
So why am I helping with the reunion, you might ask? Here's the funny thing...I'm finding that as I get older, re-connecting with the past helps with the present. I have a 16-year-old who is now in high school. What lessons can I share with him about not only surviving but enjoying high school? People do change, and I'm excited to get to know my old classmates in a new way. It's amazing how much we change over the period of 30 years, and I want to challenge myself to appreciate high school classmates for who they've become -- not who they were at age 16, 17 or 18. I want to hear about their accomplishments and cheer them on. I want to know about the sad part of their lives, whether it's a parent dying or a personal struggle so that I can reach out. We were all part of a community for a very long time (for many since 1st grade) and to me that counts for something.
I look at the high school reunion as a great opportunity to reconnect with classmates, and to continue growing as a person. Sadly, as we get older, our class of '80 will only get smaller and I want the chance to get to know and appreciate my classmates long beyond next year's reunion. I also see my high school experience as a great way to help my son (and other kids) as they navigate the process of discovering who they are, what they want to do with their future, and finding balance in their lives.
So why am I helping with the reunion, you might ask? Here's the funny thing...I'm finding that as I get older, re-connecting with the past helps with the present. I have a 16-year-old who is now in high school. What lessons can I share with him about not only surviving but enjoying high school? People do change, and I'm excited to get to know my old classmates in a new way. It's amazing how much we change over the period of 30 years, and I want to challenge myself to appreciate high school classmates for who they've become -- not who they were at age 16, 17 or 18. I want to hear about their accomplishments and cheer them on. I want to know about the sad part of their lives, whether it's a parent dying or a personal struggle so that I can reach out. We were all part of a community for a very long time (for many since 1st grade) and to me that counts for something.
I look at the high school reunion as a great opportunity to reconnect with classmates, and to continue growing as a person. Sadly, as we get older, our class of '80 will only get smaller and I want the chance to get to know and appreciate my classmates long beyond next year's reunion. I also see my high school experience as a great way to help my son (and other kids) as they navigate the process of discovering who they are, what they want to do with their future, and finding balance in their lives.
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