Who me, worry (Medfield Press)

As a teenager and young adult, my mother’s worrying was something I just didn’t comprehend. I also figured that by the time I came around as child No. 6, she had worried herself out. However, the worrying continued and it made me a little crazy at times.

Now here I am many years later, the mother of three kids with the oldest going off to college next month, and guess what? I worry about them – all the time. As I tell my own mom, “I get it now.” I wish someone had warned me long ago that worrying automatically comes with motherhood (the ultimate lifelong occupation), no matter how old your children are. I never considered myself a worrier, but when I think back to my 20s, my favorite bedside book was usually “The Symptom Finder”, so that may have been a clear warning sign of things to come.

It is nice to know that I’m not alone in my worrisome thoughts. According to Robert Leahy, Ph.D., author of the “Worry Cure”, 38 percent of people worry every day. And based on another study, women are twice as likely as men to worry. (As I listen to my husband snoring on the couch while I sit at my computer seeking advice on overcoming the latest teen challenge, I don’t need a study to tell me that I’m chief worrier in the family – at least when it comes to the kids.)
There’s no denying that parents of teenagers have a lot to worry about. Teenagers are coping with real challenges and pressures in their lives, and parents struggle with finding the best strategies to help them. For me, I try to keep perspective along the way, but sometimes it’s tough, especially when every time I turn on the TV or open up the daily newspaper, there’s a story of bullying, dating violence, reckless driving, drug and alcohol abuse, or other teenage tragedy.

In times like these, sometimes I just have to take a deep breath and keep telling myself that keeping the lines of communication open with our kids is what’s most important, and that my husband and I are doing our best to equip them with the tools and support they need to navigate life successfully. After all, we all have to learn to stand on our own two feet sometime.
That being said, finding the right balance between letting go and holding on is tough to achieve. There are times I want to dive in and rescue my kids, and other times when I have to force myself to put my worries aside and stay out of the way. I never realized how tough it is to watch your children struggle for independence until I became a parent myself.

With our first-born preparing to go off to college, we look back at his childhood with fondness, and feel particularly grateful to have made it through the middle school/high school years, where worrying seemed to hit an all-time peak. We’re certainly not naïve -- we know college will bring a host of new challenges and worries, but at some point, we also realize we have to let our child live his life.

My son actually said it best after we had a heart-to-heart talk about college and the influences that might confront him: “Mom, I don’t think you need to worry about me as much as you are. The last thing I would do is ruin opportunities for myself -- the same opportunities that you and Dad have worked so hard to give me.”

I can learn a lot from my son, including how to spend less time worrying and more time enjoying his evolving adulthood. There is immense joy in seeing your child discover and nurture his talents, and start making positive, life-changing decisions for himself. He also deserves to have the freedom to make mistakes. After all, none of us got to where we are today without stumbling along the way.

Hopefully my son eventually realizes that my worrying is a sign of love. It didn’t take long to realize that my own mom’s worrying shouldn’t have been viewed as an annoyance, but a gift. If I’m lucky, my mom will worry about me for a long time to come, and my son will eventually say to me, “Mom, I get it now”.